Mental Health: Still the Last Workplace Taboo?

1. Early History of Depression

I had my first taste of Depression in the 1970′s, after the birth of my children. It took me totally by surprise as I had always been the”coper” and rebel of the family! Post-Natal Depression was made worse as I was trying to deal with an alcoholic and abusive partner; the abuse was physical, mental, and psychological, leaving me with feelings of uselessness and without hope.

Following a lengthy period on antidepressants, tranquilisers and sleeping pills (no-one considered in those days that actually talking to me might have helped – these were, after all, the “wonder drugs” of the age), and feeling completely numbed of all feeling, I took the decision to stop taking the medication. As I did this on my own, without help or advice, I had symptoms of benzodiazepine withdrawal including agoraphobia. Although I have managed to control this, agoraphobia remains a permanent problem that recurs if I do not leave the house for a few days.

2. Getting Better?

In the early 1980′s I divorced and lived on my own with the children for a number of years. I slowly began to regain my belief in myself but still needed constant reassurance and praise for many of my actions. Towards the end of the 1980′s I met and married my second husband; he has enormous empathy with me having suffered his own mental health difficulties, and understands my need for security and belief in my own worth.

I was also very fortunate in having good supportive friends, and worked with some lovely people over this period, but I felt that (although I had declared my Depression in Health Declaration Forms) I could not discuss my internal feelings with my line management at work, or anyone that didn’t know me well for fear of discrimination. I often heard derogatory comments at work about others with mental health issues, so I decided to remain silent.

In the late 1990′s my husband became very ill due to having been bullied at work. I found myself taking on the role of caring for him and being the only person bringing in a wage. Surprisingly, I felt that I was dealing with this enormously well, and my husband returned to a new workplace in under a year.

3. Recent Times

In 1998 I was promoted at work and began a career in IT which I enjoyed very much and wanted to progress in the field. By 2000 I had been promoted again and moved into the main IT division of a central government department and believed that this is where I wanted to stay, at least for some years anyway.

My enthusiasm didn’t go unnoticed, and by one individual in particular! I discovered later that, as he was a Contractor, he was worried that any homegrown talent would result in his services being no longer required. He began his “special attention” by sending me on fool’s errands – which other male colleagues found utterly hilarious.

This continued for a while then progressed to him refusing to help me when I hit a problem and I reacted by only speaking to him when I had no other choice, but I did inform my line management who did nothing whatsoever! Then this individual started to seek me out with a vengeance, resulting in me becoming anxious and depressed for the first time in many years.

After a short period of Sick Leave I returned to work – huge mistake! Nothing was done with regard to the bully but I had been moved into administrative work, away from everyone else, so I was isolated for making a complaint. The Union was willing to pursue this situation, to a tribunal if necessary, but I was still too unwell to cope with this and decided to try to transfer out of the IT division.

This took several years, during which I made repeated requests to be found more interesting work, and finally created a job for myself dealing with Data Protection issues; I was still totally isolated. Although I eventually found another post, again working with a really lovely group of people and a wonderful line management, it took me until 2005 to overcome my illness and my feelings of inadequacy again.

4. 2006 Onwards

I took redundancy from work in 2006 and worked part-time and temporary jobs for about nine months and started in a full-time post in 2007, again in the Civil Service, and again declaring my previous mental health issues. Things started out fairly well, although I was one of only three or four people over the age of 40 working there. Initially some of the younger people were a bit hostile but this resolved in time. I began noticing that my line management were making petty comments about my work and that things were not being made clear to me, resulting in more petty comments.

In 2008 I made an application for a promotion, thinking that (a) I would no longer have the same line management, and (b) that I could work less hours for the same pay, limiting my time in the office. I didn’t really have the strength or enthusiasm to look again outside of the workplace.

On promotion, my problems worsened. It was a trainee position and I was not allowed my allocated study time as “the office is very busy.” I explained that I was starting to feel anxious again and bordering on Depression but this was brushed off my line management – comments made at the time were “if X and Y can cope with the workload, and study, why can’t you?” “what are you going to do when you have a full workload allocation?” “why can’t you find the time to study?” and, of course, “Pull yourself together!” This despite that I had the highest workload of all the trainees at the time, and was only working four days to their five!

Then, there was my immediate line manager who rarely spoke to me, and never a word of praise for a job well done, only complaints for failings. Finally, I went off sick again with Depression in January 2009 and did not return to work until September last year. As requested I was given a new line manager, who was helpful, kind and caring and understood that I might not be capable of keeping up with the others at that time.

However, clearly due to pressure from above, I was returned to a higher workload and realised in May 2010, feeling unwell again, that I could no longer continue in this employment, feeling completely unable to discuss my mental health issues for fear of a repeat of the earlier episode. I decided to take a break and I have only recently felt that I can consider returning to some kind of part-time employment.

5. The Shaw Trust

Although I have only recently become involved with the Shaw Trust I have felt very welcome and supported by the case workers, and they keep in regular touch to see how I am doing. I haven’t been able to get to many of the JAGs due to other family commitments but I hope that I can attend more often in the future. It is the first time, in a long time, that I have had this support and not been made to feel that I am unusual or strange.

6. Conclusion

I still don’t think that line managers in many occupations have the understanding of people with a mental illness, and that it may be that they deliberately choose to ignore how people feel in the current economic climate; most management is under pressure to produce figures and results and that mental welfare is irrelevant – after all if you feel compelled to leave, as I did eventually, they can always employ someone else as it’s an employers’ market!

Jo

4 November 2010

Visit the Shaw Trust website.

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